Bridge to Nowhere
by MaraudersAffair
Summary: During the first war, Lupin and Snape work together to save the innocent from Lord Voldemort. Along the way, they struggle to gain a trusted connection between one another. SSRL
1. Chapter 1

_The dog trots freely in the street_

_and sees reality_

_and the things he sees_

_are bigger than himself_

_and the things he sees_

_are his reality_

_("Dog," by Lawrence Ferlinghetti)_

**Bridge to Nowhere**

Strangers crowded the house that night, cloaked in fabric that hid them from intruding eyes. Bodies bumped into one another, hard elbows against the soft flesh of an arm or stomach. Chairs had been pushed to the walls carelessly, forcing the visitors to stand as they shifted from foot to foot. No one would be comfortable when the Dark Lord spoke, even the ones who had successfully completed their assignments.

Severus hated these nights when wizards near and far came to show their servitude. It seemed disgraceful that he had to stand next to them as if they were his equals, as if everything he had achieved was meaningless. He felt claustrophobic and confined, his heavy travelling cloak sweltering with the combined heat of bodies and the fireplace pressing against his skin. Cool sweat trickled down his neck from his hairline, disappearing past the collar of his shirt and robes.

His muscles ached and each limb felt weighed down with an invisible pressure. Severus had to blink to keep his eyes focused. He hadn't slept in days and the effects were finally showing. It was a horrible time for his body to revolt; he couldn't imagine what would happen if he fell asleep in the presence of the Dark Lord. He would most likely be killed. The idea was hilarious in a grotesque way. It suited him perfectly.

Low murmurs filled the room and candlelight cast the faces of strangers in ghastly shadows. Even to Severus, who had attended meetings before, felt the room possessed a sinister quality. The fright of his first time still resonated within him, and he concentrated on stabilising his facial expressions and, most importantly, his body language. He had discovered that the human form told far more secrets than anyone under a truth serum.

Closing his eyes, he took a silent, deep breath, relaxing his arms and shoulders further. He could not appear tense or surely his Lord would become curious. He had been successful in his assignment. Strategically, it had been a great victory for the dark side. However, over thirty people had died because of him. He quickly suppressed the thought.

A hush came over the room and Severus knew the Dark Lord had entered. Without moving, he abruptly was one of the closest people to his Lord. Many took a step back without even noticing. The Dark Lord stood in the centre of the room, dressed in common emerald robes, his eyes emotionless. The thin line of his mouth was firm and Severus turned his eyes downward once his Lord looked at him.

"Gibbon," Voldemort said suddenly, turning his head to look at the man. "Update me on your findings in the Ministry."

Gibbon was visibly nervous. "My Lord, I'm quite certain that Arthur Weasley and Caradoc Dearborn are members of the Order. Weasley is under the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts office and Dearborn is a known Auror."

"But _how_ do you know?" Voldemort asked, his stare intense. "We must be very vigilant during our next attacks. Severus's brewing did wonders for us, but it was entirely elementary. It would be unwise to continue killing people at random. We need to direct our powers at the Order now."

Gibbon nodded grimly. "I have seen both Weasley and Dearborn with my own eyes during attacks. Dearborn wounded Purfuss only last week during the east-side assault."

Voldemort watched Gibbon for a brief moment. "Very well. Speak with me and Augustus after the meeting."

Bowing, Gibbon said, "Thank you, my Lord."

Shifting his eyes to the crowd, Voldemort said, "I see that we have more people than usual here." There was a low hum of chuckles. "It makes me wonder why most of you don't show up every time. Are you afraid?"

Silence answered. Severus could hear the nervous twitching of the people around him. He smirked and straightened his back. He had no reason to hide.

"We are in the middle of a revolution, and I will not accept cowards in my faction. I will not tolerate anything less than complete devotion to our mission."

Severus and the other constant members looked around with disgust. They were horribly against strangers. It was for good reason – the threat of spies among new comers was high, and they had to be extra cautious. Secretly, he marvelled at the irony of the situation. He treated people like shite when he was the actual spy.

_Irony, forsooth! Guard yourself, Engineer!_

Gritting his teeth, he willed his thoughts back to his Lord, quelling such things as spies and irony from his mind. He could not afford to drop his guard during the meeting.

"The stakes have risen since the imprisonment of Igor Karkaroff," Voldemort said softly, a challenge within his expression as he looked around the room. "One must take risks when altering an entire social system." A small smile crept into his features. "Leave now if you know you cannot risk your freedom. I'm sure one of my loyal followers will be happy to show you the way."

A few laughed. It was a disgusting joke. Before the meeting Severus and the others had been advised to kill anyone who tried to flee. He felt his stomach churn at the thought.

"Rosier, Wilkes, what's your progress?" Voldemort asked, his voice brittle.

Both men spoke at the same time. Rosier glared down at Wilkes. "My Lord, our progress at invading the Department of Mysteries is very great."

Severus rolled his eyes as Rosier attempted to speak well. Why try to fool the Dark Lord when you know you will fail miserably? He felt nauseated as he thought to ask himself the same question.

"Details, Rosier," Voldemort answered, his eyes hardening. "How will I know what you are up to if you do not give me details? Don't waste my time."

A crippling expression came over Rosier's face. "I – I apologise, my Lord – I –"

"Get on with it!" Voldemort's eyes darkened.

Rosier took a deep breath. "We have got many contacts in the Ministry, people who really believe us. I'm sure we can fool them to gain access."

"It's not enough! You cannot expect to just walk into the Department of Mysteries!" Voldemort snarled, his red eyes gleaming. "I will not tolerate stupidity!"

Trembling, Rosier said, "Yes, my Lord. I'm –"

"There will be consequences," Voldemort said, his voice suddenly soft, "if you haven't made any progress by the next meeting."

Severus glanced at the people around him. Everyone was obviously squirming. Smirking, he took comfort in their fear. It made him feel safe to know that others suddenly doubted their decision of attending the meeting. Oh, they had no idea how much trouble they were in. He wanted to laugh gleefully and sob hysterically simultaneously. The urge made him feel schizophrenic.

Once the meeting was over, Severus stood with Lucius and Gibbon, sipping on centuries old elf wine. He could taste his unworthiness in the amber liquid, and it tickled his ego to know that he was consuming something so aristocratic. Even with all the horrors, it still astonished Severus how much he had achieved because of the Dark Lord.

"I bet you Wilkes thinks he's clear because our Lord only spoke to Rosier," Gibbon said, snorting. "If I were him I'd sleep with one eye open. Rosier's not the one to take things lightly."

Lucius nodded. "I'm not criticizing our Lord's decision, but he gave them such an important task. One has to wonder if he even expects them to be successful."

"Well, they are incredibly idiotic," Severus added, and the men chuckled. "I'm surprised they aren't dead yet."

"Easy, Snape, or you just might be next," Gibbon said.

Severus shrugged. "I was successful – I can't say the same for you." He watched Gibbon's face darken with anger.

"Let's not fight," Lucius said, yawning. "It's too _elementary_, Severus."

Gibbon snickered and Severus glared at him.

"Gibbon," Rosier said, his voice strained, "our Lord wants to see you."

Curious, Severus observed how a vein in Rosier's temple throbbed. The man was horribly red, as if uncontrollable anger raged inside of him. Severus fingered his wand in preparation.

Rosier looked at Lucius, then Severus. "Can you believe what happened back there? Wilkes just stood there and said nothing!"

"That's what happens when you put yourself out there, Evan," Lucius said calmly. He raised a ringed finger in the air. "One must think before he speaks."

"What could I have done?" Rosier said through gritted teeth. "Our Lord wanted an answer!"

Smirking, Severus said, "Maybe you should work on your delivery."

"Shut the fuck up, Snape! Just because you know how to mix shite together doesn't mean you have authority over me!" Rosier's chest was beating up and down quickly.

"Boys, please," Lucius said lazily, boredom clear in his voice. "Why don't we go up to my study and have a nice drink." He turned to Rosier. "I bet I could find something that suits your tastes."

Rosier sneered. "Like I'd want to spend time with _him_." He motioned with his head to Severus.

Rolling his eyes, Severus said, "You'll be happy to know that I can't stay long. A dirty lab and a warm bed are waiting for me."

Lucius blinked at him. "Oh, yes. You must be exhausted. How many hours did it take you to brew that Delphinium concoction?"

"Three days," Severus answered, then shrugged. "I have no regrets."

"Of course you don't," Rosier said, his voice sardonic.

.::.

He left without drawing attention to himself and Apparated to a dingy part of London. The stench of sewage greeted him and his nostrils flared in disgust. He had been passing on information to Dumbledore for two months, and the location of their meetings still nauseated him. He supposed it amused Dumbledore to know that if anyone had been following Severus they'd wonder why he was so desperate to buy whores after each meeting.

An elder lady opened the door to the building once he stepped up the cobbled walkway. Even in the dark he could make out the grime and immorality of the stains on the ground, and he quickly averted his eyes. The woman's face sagged with wrinkles and curiosity, her spindle fingers capped with diamond rings and red-painted nails. Her gray hair was crazed with knots and fell in wisps around her face.

She stared at him knowingly and directed him up the stairs to the only room not occupied with the prostitutes that lived there and their visiting customers. It was a strange thing to sit, discussing the war with Dumbledore, as moans of passion filtered through the cracked walls and worn wallpaper.

Tonight, Severus was the first one to arrive and he sat down at a rickety table. It was then that he allowed his body to tremble with fear. A wave of unsettling relief flooded into him, but it did nothing to cure his nerves. That pain of unwanted responsibility still lingered in the cracks of his brain, always just on the horizon of his consciousness. A quiet hysteria surfaced once again and he felt the sting of tears in his eye ducts.

Sniffing, he closed his eyes and willed the moisture away, and blamed it on his exhaustion. The beginning of delirium clouded his vision and he was slightly unprepared for the sudden appearance of Dumbledore.

Dumbledore took one look at him, then sighed. "Your potion was extremely effective," he said as he sat down across from Severus. He took off his silver travelling hat and laid it on the table.

"Of course it was," Severus snapped, anger flooding his voice. "But you took none of my suggestions seriously! You could have saved at least half of those people, but –"

"But what?" Dumbledore said calmly, peering at him over his half-moon glasses. "We need to enforce the appearance that you are the best when it comes to sneaky brewing and murdering without any qualms."

Severus shook his head. "And," he said, the anger within building, "you still haven't placed Lily into hiding!"

"Lily, James, and their unborn child, you mean," Dumbledore said and shrugged. "Lily wants to have her baby with family and friends, not alone. It's a boy, you know. They are naming him Harry."

Turning away, Severus bit the inside of his cheek and ignored the blinding pain from the thought of Lily pregnant, somewhere in the world. He liked to imagine that the past between them had never happened. It was hard when he knew the Dark Lord was plotting to kill her and – _it_.

After a long moment he said, "I know there's a spy, I just know it." Severus sighed. "But he's tricky and smart enough not to let anyone know who the spy is."

Dumbledore nodded sombrely in agreement. "Yes, we believe there's a spy as well. It's about finding him now."

Severus threw his hands up. "Then do something about it! Ask questions, plant false plans and if I hear them on my end, we'll know who it is! Use a truth serum – torture, anything!"

Chuckling, Dumbledore said, "Always one for the dramatics, Severus." He paused to watch the sneer develop across his face. "But all in good time. You needn't both yourself with what happens on my side. Just concentrate on not getting yourself killed on your side."

Severus grimaced. "He spoke of attacks against Arthur Weasley and Caradoc Dearborn tonight. I would expect them in the next week or so. Gibbon is very anxious to complete his assignment."

"Do you know where it will happen?"

Shaking his head, he responded, "No, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were at the Ministry, just to shake things up."

Dumbledore smiled sadly, the wrinkles on his face deepening. "Fear is contagious. I'll be sure to tell Arthur and Caradoc to be on the lookout."

Severus was astonished. "That's it? You're not going to hide them or something?"

"Dear boy, I thought you were smarter than that. If I hid them surely Tom would become suspicious. And, the Order would lose two beneficial members."

"Don't talk down to me like that! I am putting myself in danger and I do not deserve your 'dear boy' shite!"

Dumbledore was silent. After a pause he said, "You put yourself in danger the moment you were branded with that mark."

Air whistled through Severus' nose as he glared at Dumbledore. He gulped thickly and said, "There's more talk about a break-in at the Department of Mysteries, though I doubt it will ever happen. Rosier and Wilkes will be killed before they succeed."

Leaning forward, Dumbledore placed his hands on the table. A strange look of desperation was on the face. "Why do you say that?"

Severus shrugged. "Because Rosier and Wilkes are complete idiots. Everyone knows that the Dark Lord just wants to get rid of them."

"How do you suppose Tom will do it?"

"I dunno," Severus said, rolling his eyes, "probably set them up – tell them there'll be back up when they try to get into the Ministry. He knows they would rather die than be captured."

"Hm," Dumbledore said in thought, tapping a long finger against his chin. "Are you positive they feel that way?"

"About being captured? Sure! We've heard stories about Karkaroff in Azkaban. I would rather die than go there; we all would."

"Okay, are we done here?" Dumbledore asked as he stood. He grabbed his hat and placed it on his head.

Severus rolled his eyes once more. "Well, I guess we are." He stood, trying to meet the old man's height. Dumbledore still had quite a few inches on him. It was disconcerting.

"Oh," Dumbledore said, his hand already on the doorknob, "I'm getting someone else to meet with you. Expect someone in the near future."

Severus' face crumbled. "What? Who? What if they can't keep a secret?" But Dumbledore closed the door without answering and the sound of Apparition reverberated through the room.

.::.

"No, the television isn't talking to you. It can't speak."

Sirius turned the knob once more, clicking it over to the next channel. Confusion and curiosity formed across his features as he watched an advertisement for soap. "But, wait – how do they get those little people behind the screen? How does this box have so many different voices?"

Lily covered her mouth to muffle a laugh. "No, the television doesn't have the voices. It receives it."

"_What_? That makes no sense. How does it receive little people and different voices without magic?"

"By signals – small messages that float in the air and there's a built-in receiver in the back of the television."

"Maybe if I could look inside the box . . . break it open to see?"

"Oh, no you don't," James said, walking into the room with a refilled drink. "I just got that thing for Lily's birthday." He stopped next to Lily and rubbed her shoulder with his free hand.

"Yeah," she responded, "it's not like you can just wave a wand to fix a television."

Remus scooted over on the sofa for Sirius, and he watched in similar amazement as the "programme" came back on. It was some sort of a Muggle game with teams that were made up by family members. It was as if the people were tiny, animated puppets. He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of messages in the air. How small were they? If Remus couldn't see them then the messages must've been extremely small. How extraordinary.

"Do you want more?" Lily asked him, motioning to the pitcher of cinnamon juice on the table.

He smiled at her and looked at her stomach. "No. When is the baby due again?"

"July," she responded, rubbing her stomach without thinking. "The Mediwitch says Harry is developing fine."

"Are you still thinking about having him at the house?"

James raised his head and looked at Lily expectantly.

"Well," she said, glancing at James, "at first I wanted to, but this bloke here thinks it's too dangerous." She laughed and pushed at James' shoulder. In return, he grabbed her hand and kissed her palm.

"I just don't want anything to go wrong. I know nothing about babies and them – coming out," James said with a shrug.

Remus nodded in agreement. "I wouldn't want to be responsible for a birth either."

Lily snorted. "You wouldn't be responsible. I read that if the mother just relaxes and breathes, endorphins are supposed to be released. I just can't get in the way of my body's work." She laughed. "Neither can you, okay?"

James rolled his eyes. "I don't know if I can just sit there and watch you scream in pain."

"I'm not going to scream in pain!" Lily crossed her arms and rested them against the bump of her stomach.

"Oi, there's no way you're not going to scream," Sirius said, pointing his butterbeer at her. "Every bird screams." He rested the bottle between his thighs and held out his hands in an oval shape. "There's a fucking head coming out of you. I'd scream."

"Well, that's because you're a pansy," Lily said, her voice high with humour.

Sirius waved her off. "I'll mention that while you're pushing a Quaffle outta your cunt."

"Like I'll allow you to be in the room! No way are you going to see that!" Lily insisted.

Shrugging, Sirius took a long sip of his drink and said, "It's natural, Lily. I doubt any of us would mind – unless you got a jungle down there."

"She doesn't!" James said with a grimace.

Lily laughed as she pulled her hair back with a hand. "It's so hot in here. But anyway, I had no idea you had such an interest in births, Sirius."

"It's winter out there, Lils. Do you want me to cast a cooling charm?" James asked, his fingers slipping around his wand in his pocket.

"No, I get too cold with it," Lily said, then wiggled her feet. "Could you boys make room for me on the sofa? My feet are beginning to swell."

Remus got to his feet and motioned for her to sit in his spot. "I want something stronger. You can have my seat."

Her eyes twinkled as she sat down. "Oh, the cushion is all warm."

"Hey, could you get me another one?" Sirius asked him. Nodding, Remus turned to walk to the kitchen but Sirius grabbed his arm. "And throw this away for me?" He smiled cheekily up at Remus.

"I'm not your fucking house elf," Remus said with a smile. He snatched the bottle out of Sirius' hand and stomped to the kitchen. James followed him.

In the kitchen, Remus took out two bottles of butterbeer and drank half of each consecutively. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then smeared the extra stickiness on his shirt. James handed him the bottle of liquor and he filled each drink to the top with whiskey. Delicious.

Without speaking, James Charmed each bottle to shake itself. They watched as the bottles rocked in the air.

"So," James said conversationally, his wand directing one of the bottles to Remus' hand, "have you heard from Wormtail lately?"

Remus drank deeply from his bottle. "No, I haven't," he answered, coughing. He peered at James as he swallowed, trying to rid his throat of the burning. "Have you?"

"Not at all, that's why I asked you. I thought maybe he's been busy or something."

Remus shrugged. "With what? Unless Dumbledore told him something that we don't know about."

"Right, right." James rubbed his forehead in thought. "I just – have a bad feeling, you know?"

Staring down at the tile, Remus blinked away the dread from his stomach. He shook his head and took another swig of his drink. "I know how you feel. It's not like Wormtail to be secretive."

"Maybe we should just ask him. What do you think?" James looked at him hopefully.

_I don't have the answers_, Remus wanted to say to him. It was true – he was unnerved by the way James looked at him, as if he thought Remus could help the situation. Remus was just as baffled by Peter's peculiarity as anyone else. It wasn't as if he were closer to Peter.

"Maybe we should ask Dumbledore about it," he offered. "At least then the man can say yes or no. Give us an idea on where to start. You never know, maybe Wormtail is just going through a phase."

"During a time like this, though?" James clutched at the back of his head. "It's just – no way he could betray us, right?"

Remus flinched at the word. Betrayal was like a disease. Everyone hated to hear it. He shook his head in uncertainty, looking at James with his hands splayed out in front of him.

Sighing, James said, "I know what you mean. I'll just ask Dumbledore." He slapped Remus on the shoulder. "Let's get back in there before Sirius destroys that tella-visitor thing or worse, gets a peek at my wife's privates."

Remus laughed openly and he felt that nauseating pressure of dread lighten in his stomach. It was still there – the feeling of unrest, though it was easier to ignore it.

"What? I've read about pregnancies, Lily," Sirius said as they walked back into the living room. "I think you are being sexist for thinking men don't read books about giving birth!"

Lily snorted and wiggled her finger at him. "It's nothing about your sex, Sirius." She struggled to continue as her shoulders trembled with laughter. "You just – don't strike – me as the type."

"What's the type, then?" Sirius asked, crossing his arms.

"Give it up, Padfoot," James said. "We all know you just want to see my wife naked."

Sirius huffed. "I have no desire to see pregnant birds. I'm just trying to make a point here."

Lily laughed loudly and slapped her thigh. "I don't blame you. I'm thinking about placing a bag over my head every time I have to get undressed."

"Oh, don't say that, Lils," James said, leaning over the back of the sofa to wrap his arm around her. He kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek against her hair. "I still think you're beautiful."

Snorting, Lily patted his arm and said, "Don't think you are going to get me to change my mind that easily. I can see straight through your little compliments."

Sirius looked at them with interest. "What's the problem?"

"None of your business," Lily said, but James interrupted her.

"She doesn't think we should – continue shagging. Thinks it's gonna hurt little Harry."

Lily looked outraged. "James! Why did you tell them that? It's private!" A deep blush had bloomed across her cheeks.

"What?" James answered innocently. "Maybe if I get them on my side, you'll succumb to pressure." He smiled cheekily down at her. She gasped and slapped him playfully against the face.

Remus looked away politely as they kissed and he caught Sirius' eye. Grinning, Sirius rolled his eyes and pointed to the fags in his packet. "Why don't we give them some privacy?"

"Brilliant idea," he said, pushing himself up from the sofa. He waved James and Lily off as they looked at him. "Don't mind us. We're going out for a smoke."

"It's freezing out. Be sure to cast a warming charm," Lily said.

"Yeah, yeah," Sirius said as he held open the backdoor for Remus. He rested his hand on Remus' back, and Remus shivered slightly from the contact. White huffs came from their mouths as they stood on the wooden porch, rubbing their hands together inside their coats. A light sheet of snow fell silently. Warmth surrounded them as Sirius cast the charm without words. It was almost as if he didn't want to break the calm silence.

The paper-wrapped fag felt oddly uncomfortable between Remus' cold fingers, and he held it between his teeth as Sirius lit it with his wand. The wave of nicotine smoke rushed through his lungs and his eyelids fluttered slightly at the feeling. He leaned back and rested against the side of the house, watching as Sirius shuffled his feet and stretched his arms.

The hint of arousal coursed through him as he spotted the soft skin of Sirius' stomach exposed by his raised arms. Blinking, he shook his head and looked away awkwardly. It was undeniable that Sirius was extremely attractive, but Remus couldn't allow himself to focus on it like he did in the past. During school, Sirius had been the only one he had eyes for, but after catching Sirius' balls deep in far too many girls he knew it would never work out.

Was he sad about it? Sure – it had been hard to ignore his disappointment, but then the war happened and things changed. God, he was scared out of his mind. Lily pregnant – James acting accordingly, like they had been married for decades, not just months. They all were pretending to be so much older – more experienced than what their ages called for. Sometimes Remus wished he could find a way to vocalise his fear to Sirius.

"I'm scared," he said quietly, his face turned downward so he wouldn't have to see Sirius' reaction. After a moment of motionless silence, Sirius slowly wrapped his arms around Remus' shoulders. It was a strange and uncomfortable position, and it did nothing but heighten his anxiety. He understood that Sirius was trying to help him but he desperately wished he wouldn't.

"Me too," Sirius breathed, then released Remus and took a step back.

Ash from his fag fell onto his trousers and he hastily tried to wipe it away. The grey smeared against the jean material and he licked his fingers, trying to rub it out. Sirius watched with heavily lidded eyes, his long eyelashes contrasting against his pale skin. They stared at each other for a long moment, Sirius' expression saddened. Remus cocked his head to the side, watching how the confidence seemed to drain from Sirius right before his eyes.

Sirius shifted and turned his head to the left. Something caught his eye and his back straightened, his hand going for his wand. Fear coiled within Remus' stomach, and he swerved around, squinting through the falling white to see.

At first, it seemed like a floating cloak was moving toward them, the silvery material glinting strangely in the darkness. Sirius stepped to the door to get James, but Remus held him back, not wanting to make their presence known. His fingers curled around Sirius' wool jumper as he pointed his wand at the cloak. He felt Sirius' heart pounding under his fingers.

Through the shadows, a figure seemed to materialize, his flowing white beard swaying from side to side with each step. A long, pointed hat curved over and lay limp against the side of his head. Half-moon glasses, pointed boots – a wave of relief flooded Remus and he took a shuddering breath to calm himself.

Sirius thudded down the steps. "Professor Dumbledore," he whispered harshly, "what are you doing here?"

Dumbledore held up his hand. "I'm sorry if I frightened you, but I have something urgent to tell James."

_Oh, God, it's about Peter,_ Remus thought, his fingers trembling around the cold wood of his wand. Peter was most likely dead. Oh God.

Dumbledore looked at Remus as if he knew what he was thinking and shook his head, his eyes gleaming in a strange way that made Remus shuffle his feet.

"But first, I need to talk with Remus – alone." He looked expectantly at Sirius and waited until the young man understood.

Sirius snarled. "What can you possibly say to Remus that you can't tell me?"

"Please," Dumbledore said, stepping up to the porch. "Go and tell James and Lily I'm here. Leave us be."

Remus wrapped his arms around himself. His heart thumped madly in his chest. Was it about Peter? More talk about the werewolf packs up in Cornwall?

Glaring, Sirius took one more look at Remus, then turned and went back into the house, the screen door slapping against the house with his departure.

Smiling sadly, Dumbledore moved closer to Remus. "Ah," he said, wrinkling his nose, "a warming charm." His white fingers searched through his pockets. "Grape drop, Remus? I've now found three different flavours – lemon, grape, and cherry. However, cherry is my least favourite. It reminds me of medicine."

Remus shook his head and looked down at his feet, stretching his legs as he leaned back on his heels. "So, what did you need to talk to me about?" he asked quite awkwardly, trying to ignore the pressing anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

"Do you think about Severus Snape often?"

The question surprised Remus, and he looked up in confusion. Did he? – well, sometimes – during the late hours of night, lying in a lonely bed, thinking about his past. He thought about all of the people he knew during school who had become Death Eaters. It frightened and exhilarated him to know that at one point he'd have to face them in battle, face his childhood acquaintances.

He wondered if taking the mark had changed Snape. Physically, mentally – sexually. It was ridiculous, but he couldn't help the thoughts he sometimes had. Thoughts that he had no right to have – images and feelings that embarrassed him, even though it was his own little secret.

He realised that Dumbledore was watching him closely, and he smiled at the elder man with pressed lips. "Of course I do – with him being a Death Eater now. I think about all of them."

Nodding, Dumbledore stepped even closer, his gaze even. "I'm about to tell you something that you must promise to never tell anyone else – even James and Sirius. Do you give me your word?"

Remus sucked in a shuddering breath as he felt his head spin with the strain of the situation. Was Snape dead? He couldn't think about it. Giving a swift nod, Remus said, "Of course. I give you my word to tell no one."

"Good," Dumbledore said as he raised his wand. For a split moment Remus thought he was about to Obliviate him, but instead he cast a Silencing charm. The air seemed to stiffen around them. "Severus is a spy for us."

Blinking, Remus struggled to comprehend what Dumbledore said. Wait – he was a spy for their side? "But –," Remus said without thinking, "he took the Dark Mark. How is that possible?"

"It's a long story. I won't go into details now – I'll allow Severus to tell you himself, if he ever feels the need to."

Remus straightened his back. "Is he here now?"

"Of course not," Dumbledore said, slight humour in his voice. "Why? Would that bother you?"

Remus shrugged. "I – don't know. Maybe – maybe not. It would take me some time to accept him switching sides." He paused to think, his eyes shifting from side to side. "Why did you tell me?"

"Ah, so we get to the pinnacle of this conversation." Dumbledore stared at Remus, it seemed, to size him up. "I want you to replace me as the only person who Severus contacts. You will meet with him, he will tell you what he has discovered, then you will report back to me – and only me."

"But – why me?" Remus breathed.

Dumbledore waved his hand in the air. "Because you have a level head about you. I feel I can trust you to not let your biases get in the way of your duty."

Laughing sharply, Remus asked, "How do you know Snape will do the same? He absolutely hates me!"

"I doubt Severus will deny anyone who is trying to help him during such a horrific time in his life. You must remember: he made a grave mistake and he knows it."

Remus swallowed thickly. "I'm not going to pretend that your request doesn't shock me. I'm not completely comfortable with meeting with a Death Eater, you know."

Dumbledore stared at him. "Even if Severus is a Death Eater, he is still human. We are all still human, you must remember."

Something about the idea of Death Eaters being human made Remus shift and he broke his eye contact from Dumbledore, looking down at the wooden porch instead. He buried his hands into his pockets and tried to hide his nervousness.

"Do you accept?"

"What about Greyback and the packs in Cornwall?"

"They can wait," Dumbledore replied calmly.

Remus looked away, watching as the snow fell against the outer edges of the porch, the white layer untouched by footprints. He exhaled deeply. "All right. I'll do it."

Dumbledore smiled. "You must never tell anyone about Severus."

"I know." Remus glanced back at Dumbledore. "How – where am I supposed to meet him?"

Raising a hand, Dumbledore rummaged through his robes. He handed Remus a piece of parchment. "Memorise it, then burn it. Do you understand?"

"Yes, yes – I do."

"Fantastic, now let's not keep James waiting any longer. There is business to address!"

Remus thought he would vomit.

AN: I wrote this in a bit of a rush, and I vaguely remember spotting some grammar errors after I submitted it. So, all mistakes are fully mine and I apologize in advance for later chapters. 


	2. Chapter 2

Severus was drunk. He knew this because the edges of his vision were blurred and something other than the war was on his mind. He rested in a worn chair left to him by his dead parents, and his arms felt strangely free, as if the strings attached to his puppeteer had been cut. His thoughts were giddy and randy, and satisfyingly teenage. He was only twenty, after all.

Adrenaline ran through his veins and a welcomed excitement twisted within his stomach, his cheeks flushed and his lips numb. He felt his fingertips tingle and he had to pull at his trousers to make space for his slight erection. Closing his eyes, he imagined someone else in the room with him, and he wasn't entirely surprised to see a man standing in front of him instead a woman.

Many secrets about himself had been uncovered since he took the mark, and his desire for men was just one fact that he accepted without any qualms. It wasn't as if he were in any position to deny his body's demands during a time like this. The realisation that he wanted to fuck men seemed so meaningless when one compared it to knowing that more people than he could count on his fingers were dead because of him.

Within his mind, he stared openly at the nude man. He was the complete opposite of Severus – blond hair and light eyes, attractive with minimum hair on his thighs and halves. Freckles dotted his shoulders and yellow hair circled his russet nipples, peaked with arousal. Severus shoved his wand into his back pocket and moved to his knees in front of the man. Facing the man's flaccid cock, he leaned forward to run his nose down the spot where his groin met his thigh, his hands splayed over the man's hips to hold himself up.

Above him, the man's breathing was quickening and his trembling hands found the back of Severus' head. Heat flooded his stomach as he turned his head slightly to lick at the man's bollocks, darkened hair tickling his nose. He heard the man's quiet moans and he tightened his hold as he made his way up the man's cock, the flesh firm against his tongue.

His eyes snapped open before his fantasy-self could wrap his mouth around the man's cock. His hand was stuffed down his trousers and a sudden wave of self-pity came over him. How ridiculous, someone his age, to be home at this hour, wanking when he could be out getting the real thing. Yes, it was a dangerous world out there – but all the more reason to go out and get fucked. He could die at any moment, wasn't it worth it to know ecstasy before it was too late?

Wiping his hand on his trousers, he stood and climbed the stairs to his bedroom, boots rattling against the floorboards. He stripped his clothes off in front of the mirror and stood bare as he inspected his body. From the neck down he was pleasant to look at – nothing too spectacular to focus on, but nothing too revolting to reject. He pulled his hair back with a hand and grimaced at his own features, that fucking grotesque nose big enough to scare away anyone with half a brain.

Squinting in concentration, he tapped his wand against his face and watched as his features morphed. A smaller and straighter nose – lighter eyes and rounder lips. He lowered and thinned the arch of his eyebrows. He shortened his hair and changed it to a nice shade of brown. Smirking, he took a step back and observed his work. Damn, he was fucking amazing at magic.

Satisfied, he dressed in fashionable jeans and a tight, plain shirt. His fingers twitched for his covering robes, but he tried not to eye his form in the mirror before he left the house. He felt horribly confined in the tight clothing, and the material of the jeans bunched at his crotch. The lengths one went to to get laid.

Loud, thumping music met his ears as he entered the crowded disco. It was a place burrowed in the back of a rundown alley, and Severus had to kick away the bits of rubbish that had caught on his boots. Perspiration and body heat warmed his skin, and he felt his inebriated body moving with the rhythm of the dancing people.

However, he wanted more alcohol in his system before venturing onto the dance floor and stumbled his way to the bar. Slapping Muggle money into the bartender's hand, he said, "You know what I want."

The bartender shrugged as he counted the money, and then set a shot of something bitter and delightful down. Severus swallowed it down and asked for more.

The music changed to a drumming tune, with a soft voice whispering the lyrics in an erratic beat. Harsh sensation flooded his body and he walked slowly to the dance floor. Fingers and hot breathing caressed his skin once he pushed past the crowd. He closed his eyes and dropped his hands as he felt arms wrap around his waist. The touch was fleeting and soon he was rocking back and forth with the crowd, only slightly aware of the touches against his body.

Fingertips grazed his neck and arms, and the flashing lights above penetrated his eyes through his lids. Someone grabbed his arm and yanked him closer, but he wasn't bothered by it as the heat of another human form rubbed against him.

The high voice soared from the speakers, _The way you move is a mystery. _Disco beats, a frantic rhythm, _Do the dance, you're always there for music and me_.

Severus cracked his eyes open to see whose hands were suddenly digging into his hips, the fingers curling around the sharp bone. His vision slid over average features and brown eyes, but when he leaned closer to get a better look, the face blurred. He wondered as an afterthought if the man had a Disillusionment on him. What was it to Severus if the man wanted to stay hidden?

_As strong as you might, working day and night, whatever happens, do the DANCE (Do the Dance)._

The man rested his head against Severus' shoulder as they rocked back and forth, the sweat on his forehead slick against Severus' skin. He smelled like cheap gin, the spiciness of the aroma stinging his nose. It was an awkward position, with this stranger wrapped around Severus and the heat from the crowd encircling them like a cage. Severus felt claustrophobic and numb, his thoughts jumbled and his erection pressing painfully against tight jeans.

"You want to go to the back?" asked the stranger against his neck, and electricity ran through Severus, stunning his senses.

"Yeah," he breathed and grabbed the man's hand, pulling him past all the dancing bodies. The stranger laughed at Severus' rush, stumbling over his own feet.

"You want to get fucked, don't you?" the man laughed, his voice darkened with arousal.

Severus ignored him as they moved through the doorways, looking for an empty spot. Satisfied they were alone, Severus pushed the man against the bricked wall and kissed him deeply. Their breaths smelled of liquor and sweat, and Severus licked up the taste of the man's mouth, their tongues sliding together. The man fisted his hands into the back of Severus' shirt, pushing up against his back.

Moaning, Severus looped his trembling fingers through the man's belt loops, pulling him closer so Severus had leverage as he began to rub himself against the warm thigh. The man made a squeaking noise in the back of his throat, and Severus smirked against his mouth.

"W-wait," the man said, his voice husky. He edged around Severus and placed a hand on his back, pushing him against the wall.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked quietly as the man dropped to his knees, pulling at Severus' buttons and zipper.

"Making you come," the man responded simply and pulled down Severus' jeans with his underpants. It was his turn to squeak as he felt the warm breath of the stranger against his arse. Fingers kneaded his flesh as the man whispered, "God, you have such a sexy arse." He ran his nose down the crease of Severus' arse, and Severus widened his stance without thinking.

The man licked the same trail his nose took, forcing Severus to moan deeply. Oh, god – was the man really going to lick Severus – down there? It was bloody amazing. Spreading his cheeks with warm fingers, he dipped his tongue to Severus' hole, pushing and massaging the rings of muscle with the tip. His knees giving way, Severus slumped against the wall and clawed at it, trying to keep himself up right. He rubbed his erection against the hard bricks, and hissed slightly at the scrapping against his flesh.

"Tell me what you are feeling," the man said loudly, his voice far beyond his control.

Severus sucked in a quick breath, and opened his mouth to answer, but at that moment the Dark Mark on his arm began to glow black and sting. He stilled as he felt pain shoot up his forearm, creating a cascade of agony through his body.

He swerved around suddenly and pulled up his pants, panicked. The man landed on his own arse and looked up at Severus, stunned.

"What's wrong?" he asked weakly.

"I have to leave," Severus answered, and then took off running. Once he was outside he couldn't deny the impulse of Apparition and disappeared with a _pop_.

.:.

His mind was still distorted when he Apparated to the place he was summoned and he had to focus to change back to his normal appearance. He was in the middle of a small wood, the weak moonlight filtered through the tree branches. His breath came quickly, and he struggled to control his body, but an itch at his side made it terribly painful. His senses were still heightened by the arousal that had been coursing through him only minutes before.

"They decided to act tonight," came a voice through the darkness. Severus swerved around to face Lucius, who was leaning against a tree, his arms crossed over his chest. "The Dark Lord has asked us to wait here before joining them at the Ministry."

Severus took a deep breath before answering. "Wilkes and Rosier are complete idiots."

Chuckles erupted around him, and he saw shadows moving from the corner of his eye. It seemed everyone was excited for the inevitable fight at the Ministry.

"Yes," Lucius said, his voice low, "that's why our Lord is getting rid of them. They will surely be ambushed as we stand here."

Deep within, Severus felt desperation curl around his lungs, licking at the stale air with each breath. God, he needed to notify Dumbledore – anyone! Sure he had laughed about Rosier and Wilkes' deaths before, but they were his Hogwarts friends. He hadn't realised that their attack on the Ministry would come this soon. Everyone from his generation was slowly disappearing, one by one. What could he possibly do?

"All right there, Snape?" Gibbon asked. "You seem a bit shocked."

Severus shook his head and took a shuddering breath. "They are complete idiots," he repeated, then turned away from the group to stalk over to an unoccupied tree. He slumped against the bark, his legs trembling slightly as they tried to hold up his weight. Cool sweat dripped down his back and his lips pressed together as he forced himself to stay calm.

Closing his eyes, he was able to still feel the stranger's mouth on him, licking and wetting him, slowly opening him up to be devoured. His heart was pounding painfully in his chest, the strange mixture of fear and arousal coursing through him. He wished he was anywhere but here at the moment – damn Rosier and Wilkes to hell! Really, who attacked the Ministry on a Friday night? Who did anything but get pissed on the weekend?

Lucius laughed. "I think little Severus here is drunk."

Straightening up, Severus remained silent as the others laughed at him. It was obvious he couldn't deny his peculiar attitude at the moment, but he sure the fuck wished the Dark Lord wouldn't notice. He was such a fucking idiot!

Avery snickered. "Can little Sevie not hold his drink?"

"Do you even know what alcohol tastes like?" Severus taunted, glaring at him.

Rolling his eyes, Avery said, "Only the good kind. I'd use an analogy about whiskey and cunt, but I doubt you'd get it." Avery matched his expression.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Severus asked, crossing his arms.

"It means that any bird not out of her mind would shag an ugly bastard like you." Avery grinned at his own comment.

Lucius put a hand on Avery's shoulder. "This certainly isn't the time to discuss our sex lives." He looked at Severus and winked.

Rodolphus Lestrange suddenly appeared in the middle of their circle, the sound of his Apparition deafening. He stood in heavy boots and a thick cloak, white snow sprinkled through his mane of black hair. "Let's go, boys. Remember – don't you dare get in the way of the Order's work!" He barked out a laugh and everyone roared. Severus forced himself to smirk.

"Hey, I'm certainly not a man!" Alecto said as the Death Eaters fixed their masks and began to Apparate away.

"You could have fooled me!" Gibbon said, but his voice was drowned out by Severus' own Apparition.

He touched down in a room filled with smoke. Something was on fire – he could feel the heat of the flames against his mask, his eyes watering. He heard his fellow Death Eaters coughing, and he quickly created a breathing bubble for his mouth. Waving his wand through the air, the smoke cleared in front of him, allowing Severus to make his way through the rubbish.

Rosier and Wilkes had certainly put up a fight. His feet slipped slightly on the blood smeared on the floor, and his stomach gave a horrible lunge as he wondered who had died. No way could someone lose this much blood and not be seriously injured.

Voices, some distant and others too close for his own comfort, reverberated through the room, screaming for help or in triumph. He swallowed thickly as he looked from side to side, not certain if he was looking for Rosier and Wilkes, or someone from the other side. What would he do if he saw a bleeding Order member? Certainly Dumbledore wouldn't want him to risk his cover by helping them? God, he was so confused. He was too young for this shite.

His feet crunched on pieces of shattered glass before stopping suddenly when he spotted movement in front of him. The figure seemed to stumble and fall to his knees, his arms blindly trying to catch something to hold onto. Severus moved cautiously toward the figure, and he realised with nausea that it was Rosier.

The man was panting as he fell to the floor, his shoulder hitting the tile with maximum impact. Rosier groaned and rolled to his back. His robes were soaked through with blood, and his eyes were unfocused. Severus knew he was dying, and he felt angry – so fucking angry. How dare Rosier do this to him –force him to witness his death?

The world seemed to be under water, sound and movement and sensation all drowned out by Severus' beating heart and his uncontrollable anger. He hated Rosier – he hated Dumbledore – he hated the Dark Lord. But most of all, he hated himself. Why had he ever thought becoming something so horrific would be a great idea? If he weren't a Death Eater than that man's tongue would still be up his arse and all of his worries would still be at bay.

Rosier's eyes widened once he spotted Severus, and he raised a shaking arm out for help. Severus stared coldly down at him, his anger evident in his features, a deep sneer across his thin lips. Blood choked Rosier and gurgled sounds came from his throat, red wetness dripping from his mouth. Severus could only guess what curses the Order had flung at Rosier, but he knew what he had to do.

Glancing over his shoulder, he realised Lucius and Lestrange were standing behind him, watching for his reaction. They gave a swift nod once Severus met their eyes, and Severus drew his wand forward, directing an _Avada Kedavra_ at Rosier. The body slumped against the floor, motionless.

Fuck, Severus hated himself.

.:.

The stench of moldy wallpaper in the room was unbearable. Remus sat on the edge of a chair, his arms resting on his thighs as he stretched his legs. The sound of headboards hitting the walls and muffled moans made Remus uneasy, and he tried to focus on what he would say to Snape instead of the noises. It was unbelievable that Dumbledore had picked such a disgusting place to meet with Snape, unless it was Snape who had picked it, though he had never struck Remus as someone who'd go for whores.

However, it was ridiculous for Remus to assume anything about the man. They hadn't spoken in years, and Remus had been extremely surprised when he found out Snape had switched sides. Did he still think Snape was a soulless bastard, incapable of remorse? Absolutely. He shook his head, trying to dislodge the enigma from his mind. It seemed fruitless to dwell on such mysteries as Severus Snape.

The door flung open and Remus jumped to his feet, his hand going to his wand. Snape stopped in the doorway, his face shinning with sweat. Shock, then rage appeared within his features as he looked at Remus, his eyebrows lowering and his eyes darkening.

"You!" he said, his voice harsh. "You got to be fucking kidding me. Dumbledore picked _you_?"

Remus straightened his back and glared at Snape. "Yeah – what's it to you?"

"I don't associate myself with beasts, Lupin," Snape drawled as he walked into the room. He waved his wand and the door flung closed. It was obvious that he was showing off. "Though, I don't know what else he could have done with you." Snape stuck his wand in the waistband of his trousers.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Remus snapped, crossing his arms and standing his ground.

Snape rolled his eyes. "It means that you are worthless – obviously."

Gritting his teeth, Remus took a shuddering breath and tried to quell the anger within. "Look, just tell me what you know and I'll be on my way."

"No," Snape answered, a small smirk on his face, "I don't trust you."

Remus rolled his eyes and huffed. "So you're going to make this hard, are you?"

"Maybe." Severus laughed and sat down, raising his booted legs to rest them on top of the table. His dark eyes watched Remus silently.

Remus stared back at him. "It was you who killed all those people at St. Mungo's – poisoned them with that serum, right?"

Severus finally looked away, his lithe frame uncomfortable. He shrugged and said, "Maybe. Who cares?"

Raising his brows, Remus responded, "A lot of people, I'd say. You know, just the daughters and husbands and sisters of the deceased. The innocent blood on your hands."

"Shut your fucking mouth!" Snape snapped suddenly.

Remus raised his hands and took a step back. "Okay," he said, taking a deep breath, "I know I'm only making the situation worse."

Snorting, Snape said responded, "Obviously."

Ignoring Snape's comment, he took a seat across the table and placed his hands on the edge, curling his fingers around the stained wood. He stared at Snape's face when the other man looked down at the floor, and his eyes moved swiftly over matured features. Snape had changed in a lot of ways since they had left school, but strangely, as Remus leaned back, he saw the same awkward student who used to always rile up James and Sirius.

Snape was attractive – partially. He would be more attractive in the darkness of a bedroom, the shadows hiding that nasty sneer and sticky attitude of his. If Remus was honest with himself, he'd rank Snape in the top group of people he wanted to shag. There was just something about the man – his dark eyes and slick tongue. He wished he could quiet Snape's snarky remarks by fucking him dead. That would make Remus incredibly happy.

Shrugging, Remus licked his lips and said, "We can make this work. Really, I'm not going to think of you as a Death Eater, or how you probably helped with the attack on the Ministry last night."

"Fuck," Snape said, shaking his head, "if only your side hadn't killed Rosier and Wilkes."

Remus blinked at him. "It wasn't us, I'm sure of it." He paused. "It was probably someone from the Ministry. They don't take kindly to those who try to sneak into the Department of Mysteries."

Wrapping his arms around himself, Snape looked away, his lips pressed tightly together. Remus cocked his head to the side, watching as something like pain washed over Snape's features. Was there something else that Remus didn't know about? Was it even his business to know?

"Are you afraid?" Remus asked quietly, not taking his eyes off Snape.

Sneering, Snape rolled his eyes once more and shook his head. After a moment he answered darkly, "Of course I am, you daft bitch."

"It doesn't seem like you are." For some reason Remus regretted his words once they were out of his mouth. It made him seem juvenile and incompetent – of course someone could be terrified and not show it.

"That's because I'm good at what I do," Snape sniffed, turning his head slightly to meet Remus' eye. "If I wasn't, I'd be dead right now. Understand?"

Remus' stomach twisted violently. His eyes became unfocused for a moment as blood rushed to his head. It was as if he were in the middle of a horribly bizarre dream – he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Severus Snape was right in front of him, talking to him about his own fear. It felt a bit like liberation.

"Were you afraid at the Ministry last night?" Remus asked.

Snape didn't answer, but after a pause he said, "I told Dumbledore that it would happen. He did nothing about it." Snape raised his head to look at Remus expectantly. "Are you going to take what I say seriously and act upon it?"

"I – don't know," Remus answered honestly. "I guess I'll do what Dumbledore tells me."

'Damnit!" Snape swung his legs off the table and stalked to the furthest corner of the room, his enormous travelling cloak kicking up dirt. "Then why am I here? Huh? Answer me, Lupin! I'm wasting my fucking time, putting myself in grave danger – for what? To just sit by and watch my friends die because some old bat doesn't want to do anything about it? It's not what I signed up for!"

Blinking, Remus said, "Is that why you joined the Death Eaters? To save people – or was it for your own selfish reasons? Wanted to be rich, Snape? Wanted the glory and prestige of being a Death Eater? I think so, so you can just shuddup about saving people. We are doing our best."

Snape looked sickened. "Gibbon is serious about attacking Arthur Weasley and Caradoc Dearborn, though I doubt it will be at the Ministry after last night." He caught Remus' eye and stared at him, his eyes unfathomable. "You must warn Weasley and Dearborn. The attacks will most likely be at their homes."

Remus flinched as he imagined Death Eaters attacking the Burrow. How horrifying. "I'll take that into consideration."

"I'm done here, then?" Snape asked as he took his wand out from his trousers.

"Yes, I guess so."

Snape was out the door before Remus had finished his words.


	3. Chapter 3

After the meeting, Remus Apparated to the Burrow, the sound of his appearance like thunder in the quiet field. He pushed past high grass, dead from the weight of winter snow. The Burrow stood silent and dark, appearing uninhabited to strangers. Remus knocked swiftly on the door and waited for a response. The wards shuddered around him, powerful magic flowing freely through his body.

The door opened slowly and a redheaded woman appeared through the crack. "What's the password?" she whispered.

"I enjoy the jelly found in between Professor Albus Dumbledore's toes," Remus whispered back, his voice slightly hoarse, even to his own ears.

Molly stepped back to allow Remus through, her face anxious. She hugged him closely when he turned to her. "Oh, Remus – I haven't seen you in ages!" She felt his sides. "You haven't been eating!"

Embarrassed, Remus answered, "I've been eating, Molly. Honest."

Her eyes searched his face. "You are still so young. You look worried."

Shrugging, he said, "Yeah, sure. Of course I am. Is Arthur here?"

"We were just sitting down for a late dinner. I'll make you a bowl as well." She smiled softly at him.

He didn't have the heart to tell her he wasn't especially hungry, and he accepted the steaming beef stew as he sat down in front of Arthur.

Arthur wiped his mouth on a napkin and shook Remus' hand. His vibrant red hair was beginning to thin and lines were appearing along his eyes. His slight shoulders were thinner than what Remus remembered, and he seemed to not be able to fill out his robes as well.

"Has Dumbledore talked to you about a probable attack on the Burrow?" Remus asked before eating a spoonful of his stew.

"Well, he's warned me about an attack, which I don't find surprising since my position at the Ministry." Arthur paused, worry appearing within his expression. "But – at the Burrow? No. Why do you ask?"

"Because I have information that makes me believe there will be an attack. I think we should start preparing for it." Remus thought of Snape's expression, his fearful eyes, and shuddered through his anxious. Something inside told him that he needed to take what Snape said seriously, and he was going to do everything in his power to keep the Weasleys safe.

"How can you be certain?" Arthur set his spoon down and leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table, staring at Remus.

Remus swallowed thickly. "I can't tell you how, but you must believe me."

Arthur stared at him for a long moment, the candlelight reflecting against his glasses. Remus felt Molly's presence behind him, and he had no desire to know what she thought. "What do you suppose we do?"

"I don't know – tell the rest of the Order? Have some sort of signal so when the attack does happen we can get here quickly?"

Arthur glanced at Molly. "Is there any way we can prevent it? We do have small children here. This is my home – I don't want it invaded like that."

Remus thought of young Bill and Charlie, and the baby inside Molly, who was just ready to pop. There were so many innocent lives depending on Remus and his actions. He definitely couldn't make any mistakes, and the realisation made him feel nauseated and disorientated. He wanted to flee and never return, wake up in a different land and begin anew.

"I'll talk to Caradoc and see what he thinks. Does that sound good?"

Nodding, Arthur wiped his forehead with a hand, and then took his glasses off to clean them with his shirt. Molly walked over and put her arm around his shoulders. "Whatever happens – we can get through it. Let's not worry too much about it, but let's be ready. I say call an Order meeting."

Remus agreed. "Yes, that seems the right thing to do." _Like hell if I know what is the right or wrong decision. God, I'm so frightened. I'm such a daft child._ To calm his stomach, he drained the bowl of stew and stood up, smacking his lips politely. "I have to meet with Caradoc now." He turned to Molly. "And thank you for this wonderful meal, it was delicious."

Arthur stood with him, shaking his hand. "You look after yourself, Remus," he said, his voice grave.

Nodding, Remus said, "You do the same. I'm not the one with five – six children to protect."

.::.

The Disillusionment he usually cast made his skin sticky with invisible moisture. It was slightly uncomfortable; though Remus chose to do it most of the time he went out because he hated being recognised by people he otherwise wanted to avoid. This was one of the nights that he decided to go as just Remus Lupin, werewolf.

Tonight he couldn't find the right disco – it seemed no one, Muggle or wizard, went out on a Thursday. The first two he had go into appeared to be dead, with no one dancing on the floor. He didn't want to admit that he was also looking for that stranger whom he had gone so far with, but not far enough. What had happened that made the man suddenly run away like that? Was it something Remus had done? The man seemed to have been enjoying it up until the final point.

Remus told himself that he had nothing to do with what had happened, but still something in the back of his mind nagged at him. It was stupid, but he had felt some sort of a connection with the stranger, and he was disappointed that the chances of seeing him again were dismal. He had thought and dreamt about what would have happened if they continued. Maybe Remus would have fucked him right there in the back of the disco, maybe he would have taken the man back to his flat.

Life just wasn't fair sometimes.

Coming up to the third disco, he gave the guard a quick nod before entering. He was carded as usual, and asked to leave his wand at the front desk. The man behind the counter took one look at his identification, and saw that it was labelled "W.E." for werewolf, his eyes widening almost comically. Remus stepped from side to side, uncomfortable as the man took a step back from the counter.

"Can you just stamp my hand already?" he finally asked, his voice unnerved. The man's hand trembled slightly as he stamped Remus, and Remus couldn't help but blatantly roll his eyes.

He was satisfied as he walked the doorway and saw the disco packed with dancing forms. His cheeks flushed delicately and he felt slightly uncomfortable as he made his way through the room. Only a few pints were in his system, and he wanted to become more inebriated before venturing on to the dance floor.

The bartender smiled at him when he approached. "'ello, Remus! How are you tonight?"

Remus shrugged as he placed some Muggle money on the counter. "Give me the usual, but make it strong this time. I don't want to waste my money on any poufy shite."

The bartender looked a bit sheepish. "You were so pissed last night, I didn't want you to get into any trouble."

"That would make sense if you were my father," Remus answered, rolling his eyes.

"You are so young – I didn't know if you could handle it."

Remus glared at him and snatched the glass out of his hand. "Stop worrying about me."

Shrugging, the bartender turned away and Remus leaned against a chair, inspecting the people on the dance floor. He recognised some faces, but he knew his eyes were searching for that one familiar, though non-descript, face. When he closed his eyes he couldn't remember the man's features, but he remembered his scent. It was a spicy, lovely aroma that curled within Remus' lungs and made his heart beat quicken.

He longed to see the man again, though maybe it had been his early departure that made him so charming. Would Remus still be thinking about the man if he had had his way with the stranger? Remus couldn't say for sure.

After three drinks, he felt the warm numbness within his stomach and calves, and he decided to take the risk to start dancing. He'd just have to find someone else tonight that satisfied his needs. The flashing lights and loud music transfixed Remus and he began to lean back and forth, rotating his hips with the beat of the music. A woman ran her fingertips along his upper arm, but he ignored her. Closing his eyes, he reached out and wrapped his arms around a male body, rocking back and forth. The man didn't refuse, so Remus pressed closer and rested his head against his shoulder.

His cock rubbed against the inner material of his jeans as he pressed against the man's buttock, the slight swell of it creating a need within Remus to thrust to get closer. An itch in his brain told him to look up at that moment, and his eyes locked to the stranger he had been looking for. There he was, right across the dance floor from Remus! He couldn't believe his luck.

Leaving the other man, he darted across the floor, pushing past people to reach the man in time before he disappeared. His heart thumped madly within his chest when his hand wrapped around the stranger's forearm.

The man turned to look at him, and his eyes widened horribly.

"Hey," he said, too drunk to notice how the man had completely frozen up. He leaned in to get a better scent. It was so powerful, this close to the man's pulse-point on his neck. Remus' stomach tightened with arousal, and he would have licked the pale skin against his nose if the man hadn't pulled away.

"H-how do you know me?" the man asked, obvious shock within his voice.

Remus looked at him, confused – then he realised that he had been under his Disillusionment that day. How stupid he was! He decided to take the chance.

Stepping even closer, Remus whispered, "I'm from the other night. We did – things before you ran off."

"You are lying!" snarled the man, and something about the man's attitude seemed very familiar to Remus. He grabbed the man's shoulder before he could run off. Leaning forward, he wondered if the man had his own Disillusionment on him – his features were just too indistinct.

"Do I know you?" Remus breathed, his hold tightening as he stared into the man's eyes. There was a block there, something that mentally shoved Remus away. He blinked – there was only one person whom Remus knew that could do that. "Come with me," he said, yanking the man by the shoulder. They stepped out of the disco into a back alley. Remus pushed the man against the wall and kissed him deeply.

The taste of whiskey was on the man's tongue, and Remus didn't hesitate to trap the man against the wall, yanking down his cloak to immobilize his arms. He reached into the man's waistband, where Remus knew his wand would be.

"What the fuck –" the man said, but was stunned into silence when Remus pointed his wand into his face and whispered a revealing charm.

Nothing but deep arousal surged through Remus as he watched Snape's features transform into his own. Oh, god – it had been Snape's arse he licked days before? He couldn't believe it – he was so fucking aroused by the idea.

Snape seemed embarrassed, almost bashful. Remus expected him to lash out in anger, and was surprised he saw the way Snape's shoulders slumped forward, his face cast downward.

Throughout the confrontation, Remus felt himself becoming more and more inebriated. He had lost feeling in his tongue at this point, and his legs felt weakened. Inhibitions disabled, he saw what he wanted as he stared at Snape. It was worth a try, wasn't it?

Taking Snape's face between his hands, he forced his gaze upward and locked his eyes to the black pits. Breathing deeply, he kissed Snape softly, the arousal within his stomach surging. A tingling sensation swarmed at the base of his spine, and he felt his fingers tremble slightly as they moved down to grasp Snape behind the neck.

There was a struggle there within Snape, his body tense. Remus coaxed his lips apart with a warm tongue, and he moaned deeply when Snape finally gave permission. Their tongues touched slightly and shoved himself against Snape, needing to feel the man and all he had to offer.

"You can trust me," Remus breathed, his voice husky. He kissed Snape again, and again, until they both were out of breath and trembling.

Snape pulled away. "What do you want?" he asked suddenly, his voice quiet. A deep pink had settled within his cheeks, and his lips were swollen from the kissing.

"I want you," Remus responded without hesitation. He felt giddy and free, and his erection was pressing painfully against his jeans. He made sure Snape could feel it. "I want you to come home with me."

Snape opened his mouth, as if shocked by what Remus' words. His eyes were desperately wide and, strangely, vulnerable. It was intoxicating to see Snape in this state. "Why?"

Remus laughed, but quickly stopped when saw the anger in Snape's expression. "Because I'm attracted to you, you fucker." He curled his hand around Snape's. "Let me show you a good time."

"But you are – and I'm – aren't you mad that I deceived you?" It was not every day you saw Severus Snape at a loss of words.

Remus shrugged. "Aren't you mad?"

"Yes," Snape answered simply.

"Well, don't be! Come on, what do you have to lose?"

Snape gave him a poignant look. Remus rolled his eyes and kissed him.

When they broke away, Severus sucked in a deep breath and said, "Okay, fine."

Remus could have cheered.

.::.

He stepped back from the entrance door and turned to face Snape. It was a very vulnerable thing he was doing, showing Snape where he lived. However, he wanted to convince himself that he could trust the man in front of him, because, well, his whole protection of the Order depended upon it. He couldn't bear to imagine that what Snape was telling him were complete lies. He supposed the attacks on the Weasleys and Caradoc could easily be red herrings, something to distract Remus from the true danger. Needing proof and confidence that this was the right choice, he placed his hands on Snape's face, staring into those black pits of confusion, trying to find his own justification.

Snape seemed uncomfortable but willing to go along with Remus' actions. He blinked and set his features into a blank stare, staring into Remus' eyes with emptiness. Sighing, Remus dropped his hands and turned to walk through the door.

The elder tenant sat next to the stairwell with a tabby cat perched on the arm of her chair. The woman looked at Remus and Snape from under wild brows, her pale eyes wide and shiny. Remus smiled at her and waved.

"Hello, Clara, how are you tonight?" he asked, his voice high.

"I'm quite fine, my boy, just as long as you pay your rent on time this month."

Remus reddened, aware of Snape standing behind him. "My paycheque was just a bit late last time, madam." He looked at the cat to switch topics. "How are you, Earl?"

Earl wiggled his ears and meowed.

"Good, good," Remus said, looking to Snape. "Come on, then."

They walked carefully up the stairwell, not afraid of waking up the residents, but more afraid of destroying this fragile agreement between them. It was an understanding – both knew what they were about to do – and they accepted it with nervous excitement. At least, that's how Remus felt. He wouldn't risk everything if he didn't want to fuck Snape so hard right now that it hurt.

At the door, Remus made Snape wait as he quickly cleaned up his place, throwing dirty clothes and shoes into a corner and covering them with a blanket. He threw the empty cartons and plates into the sink. Satisfied, he beckoned Snape into the room but when he tried to switch on the light, Snape caught his hand and held it tightly.

He wondered if Snape had been with another man before, the way he was acting. Raising their entwined hands, Remus licked and prodded Snape's long, white fingers, taking his time to suck on each digit. He pressed Snape's palm to his lips and followed the lines of his skin with his tongue. Snape's eyes were growing darker and darker as Remus continued, his breathing growing harsh.

"I'm going to suck you off," Remus said quietly, kissing Snape's palm once more before dropping to his knees. He ran his fingers over the bulge in Snape's trousers. "You want it, don't you?"

Snape gasped when Remus unzipped his trousers and pulled them down with his underpants. He sat back on his heels and stared at Snape's cock for a moment, mesmerized that Severus Snape was standing in front of him, exposed. The same man who had been so stubborn and harsh during school, someone who seemed to never be actually human, but a machine that stalked around campus, alone.

Leaning forward, he pumped Snape's cock slowly with his hand, watching as the reddened tip pushed through his fist. Snape was moaning above him, and he spoke senselessly when Remus wrapped his mouth around him. Snape tasted just as he was supposed to taste, salty and wet, his musk filling Remus' nose. Remus rubbed himself through his jeans as he sucked Snape off, swallowing the man until he choked and had to draw back.

"W-wait," Snape said suddenly, pushing Remus back.

"Don't want to come yet?" Remus asked, a lopsided grin on his swollen lips.

"Yes," Snape said, pulling Remus to his feet by his collar. "I need to be able to still fuck you."

Remus stared at him. "You mean – like, me on the bottom?" Snape smirked. "Hell no!" Remus crossed his arms over his chest, defiant. "I never bottom."

"Neither do I," Snape responded, mimicking his stance.

Damnit – he knew Snape would never change his mind. Well, it was nice try. "Fine," he said, shaking his head. "I'll try it once – _for you_."

Ignoring the nerves in his stomach, Remus turned and walk to his bedroom. He had only bottomed once before – and it had been all right, he guessed. He watched through his eyelashes as Snape took off his shirt and jeans, standing bare with only his underpants to cover his erection. He followed Snape's direction, then pulled the other man to the bed.

"Come here," Remus said playfully. He moaned slightly as Snape slid on top of him, their erections rubbing together. Kissing Snape deeply, he ran his hands down Snape's back and under his pants, squeezing the firm flesh he found there.

"Do you want me to go slow, or . . .?" Snape asked thickly.

"I don't care – just make me feel good," Remus responded, digging his nails into Snape's arse.

Snape hissed and rolled to his side. Staring down at Remus, he leaned forward and kissed Remus' navel, running his tongue down to the nestle of brown hair under Remus' pants. Remus placed his hand on Snape's head as Snape tapped his arse with his wand.

Remus kicked off his underpants as he felt his insides slicked and stretch. "Well, come on, then." Remus smirked slightly, but the expression fell from his face as Snape slowly slid into him, the man's underpants only pushed down to his thighs.

Moaning, Remus threw his head back and babbled at how good it felt. His face and chest reddened as Snape began to quicken his pace. Remus was glad that Snape had used the preparation charm on him – he didn't want to imagine how painful it would have been without it.

Sweat trickled down Snape's temples as he grunted with each thrust. After a few moments Snape came into Remus, a deep moan escaping his throat and his teeth gritted.

Remus tugged himself off quickly and arched into his hand. Afterward, he rolled onto his side and placed a hand on Snape's chest. "That's it?" He laughed.

Snape glared at him, and he knew he would be fucking Snape regularly.


	4. Chapter 4

**July**

The Malfoy Manor loomed in front of Severus, the sound of a marble waterfall nearby anything but relaxing. He had been invited to a small dinner with the Dark Lord and the Malfoy family, which, to Severus, seemed a bit odd since Narcissa had only given birth to little Draco a month before. Severus would never want the Dark Lord around small children, but maybe that was just him.

Eerie quiet met his ears as he moved closer, the lights within the enormous windows casting no shadows. The house seemed to be dead and unwelcoming, though Severus trudged on, the costly grave crunching under his boots.

The door flew open before he had the chance to knock and he moved through without hesitation. No one was in the foyer to greet Severus, and he slowly walked down the hallway, ignoring the dirty looks the portraits gave him. White and green carpets created a nauseated feeling within him, and he tried not to look down at the floor too often.

"He is strong, yes," came Lucius' voice through one of the doors. "He is also very obedient."

The Dark Lord didn't look up when Severus entered the room, but continued staring at the little bundle cradled in Narcissa's arms. "A charming infant, I'm sure."

Lucius nodded and looked over to Severus. "Welcome, welcome. Dinner should be served soon. Allow Prawny to take your coat."

Leaning forward, Severus kissed his Lord's hand before straightening up and raising his arms for the house elf to pull off his outerwear.

"Wait," the Dark Lord said, snatching Severus' wrist. "Let me look."

Severus mentally locked down as he made eye contact with the Dark Lord. He felt the prodding of the wizard's magic against his defences, but knew his mind appeared clean without mystery.

Satisfied, he turned to Gibbon, who looked caught was he sipped his wine. "Tell me, Gibbon, when you are going to get that Muggle-lover Weasley and his family? Bravo for taking down Caradoc Dearborn, but really, I'm not impressed."

Gibbon swallowed his wine thickly and said, his voice gruff, "Arthur Weasley is more protected. It will take longer for me to get to him."

"I do not care!" the Dark Lord hissed. "I will not tolerate laziness! Cowardliness!"

Gibbon appeared as if he were going to respond, but then shut his mouth tightly. After a moment he said, "My apologies, my Lord. I will work harder."

The Dark Lord snorted and moved his head to the side with striking quickness. "Lies, all lies, my followers. Lucius, do you believe Gibbon when he says he will work harder?"

Lucius wiped his mouth on a napkin and said, "I do, my lord."

He looked to Severus then. "How about you, Snape?"

"I do as well, my lord," Severus said, and he didn't meet Gibbon's peculiar gaze.

"I think Gibbon here deserves your respect, my lord," Rodolphus said as sat down at the table, Bellatrix at his side. She had a deep sneer on her face.

"Really," the Dark Lord responded, his expression pensieve. He looked at Gibbon, his red eyes gleaming. "Do you agree?"

Gibbon seemed to be perched on a bed of nerves. "I – do agree, my lord. I have worked very hard these past months for the cause. Very hard."

"Then I suggest you work _harder_. I expect something in the next week." He then turned his attention to Rodolphus. "Where is this guest we spoke of?"

Rodolphus appeared uneasy, which in his enormous stature, seemed very unnatural. "He said he'd be here."

"I don't care how beneficial he is, I want my followers to not be tardy."

Shifting in his seat, Rodolphus said, "I could call for him."

"Don't bother," the Dark Lord said, slapping a house elf's hand away. "Don't touch my food, you Mongrel!"

"Prawny leave!" Lucius barked, his fist hitting the table.

Prawny flinched and disappeared with a _pop_.

"I'm very sorry, my lord. She doesn't know what she's doing."

The Dark Lord sniffed. "Of course she doesn't. You should get a Mudblood or something to serve your food, Lucius. Steal one, perhaps?"

Everyone at the table roared at the Dark Lord's remarks. Severus remained motionless, sipping on his wine to cure his frustrated thoughts. He couldn't stop his mind from drifting to Lupin and the time he had spent with the man. Lupin crouched between his legs as he sucked him off, those eyes of his staring up at Severus. Lupin on his back as Severus came inside him, that relaxed smile on his lips as he hit his own climax.

It was strange, but he was beginning to only focus on Lupin's eyes and how nice his smile was. When Lupin smiled up at him it made warmth spread throughout Severus. It was frightening, to feel desperate to just see Lupin during the day. It was a familiar desperation – need. Was he actually beginning to _like _Lupin? Remus. He tested the word on his lips when he was alone, staring at his ugly appearance in the mirror.

Remus. He liked how it felt on his tongue. So slick and comfortable. Lupin seemed so distant and harsh suddenly. God, Severus must've been out of his fucking mind.

Rodolphus stood suddenly and pushed away Bellatrix's hand from his cloak. He looked to the Dark Lord, nodding once before rushing out of the room. The attendees watched as he went, though Severus did with shown indifference. Inside, however, a raging inferno of nerves was crushing the breath from his lungs. Was an attack coming? Did Rodolphus and the Dark Lord know something that Severus did not?

His mind flashed to Lupin – Remus, and he was terrified at himself when he thought of Remus' safety before his own. What a strange feeling – thinking and worrying about someone other than yourself. He had only come close to the realisation with Lily, but it had never grown to what he was experiencing at the moment. Mentally snarling, he cursed his own weakness and gritted his teeth in frustration. Remus was just a fucking partner, nothing more. He was determined to make himself believe it. His life depended upon it.

Silence fell upon the room as the Dark Lord twiddled his wand in between his fingers, his beastly eyes staring at the door. There was palpable tension surrounding the table – everyone wondering what in the hell was happening. Was Severus too late in warning Remus about something? His heart stopped for a brief moment. Did the Dark Lord somehow kill Lily and – her unborn child without Severus even knowing? His mind raced – Lily was due any day now, wasn't she?

Severus closed his eyes and took a silent, deep breath. When he opened them again, the Dark Lord was staring at him peculiarly. Fuck, fuck, fuck – FUCK!

Thankfully, all their attention was drawn to the entrance as Rodolphus returned with someone – or something following behind. As the figure moved closer, Severus concluded that it was human – but shrouded in blackness that was neither shadow nor cloth. The face was hidden by what appeared to be velvet, though the ends floated in the air like smoke.

Stunned, the table was silence as the figure stood a seat next to the Dark Lord, wisps of his shroud curling in the air. The figure seemed to stare directly at Severus, as though he knew him.

Rodolphus laughed at their reaction. "Everyone – meet our spy."

Gibbon and Bellatrix giggled in delight. Severus felt his stomach tighten with nausea, his head spinning.

A small, sickly grin curled the Dark Lord's mouth, his lips too pale to be seen. "Yes, it is true. We have – broken through the Order's defences. With our spy, we will know everything about the Order. Their next move, where certain members will be at specific times." He paused to look at Gibbon.

Gibbon's eyes gleamed strangely. "I promise, my Lord, the attack will happen this week."

.::.

"So, you have proof that there's a spy in the Order?" Remus looked at him, his stare blatantly shocked. "How can you know for sure?"

"Because I was sitting right across from him, you imbecile!" Severus snarled, angry that Remus didn't believe him. "And I know Dumbledore has been suspecting a spy for a long time! I doubt the Dark Lord just found this bloke – he's been around for a while, and for some reason the Dark Lord thought it was a good time to present him!"

"How do you know it's a man?" Remus asked, hope within his voice.

Severus threw his arms into the arm. "I don't know – it was covered in wispy shite. It was like staring a storm cloud in the face."

"Oh, fuck!" Remus sat down on the edge of his bed, tearing at his hair. "I've just – fucked it all up! I can't do anything right! There's a spy, and I had no fucking clue!" He flung himself back against the bed and punched his fists into the duvet. "So – fucking – daft!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. There's no way you could have known." Severus was shocked by his own words, his eyes widening briefly.

Remus raised himself up with his arms. "And – what about this Gibbon bloke? Any update on his plans?"

"Yes," Severus said slowly. "I'm positive there will be attack on Arthur Weasley in the next week." He watched as Remus' expression fell into misery, and tried to ignore the twist in his own stomach. God, he hated to see Remus in this state.

Remus groaned. "Please tell me you got a plan."

Nodding, Severus said, "I know a spell – something I've been working on for a while now." _For you_, he added silently. "It will make your wand grow steaming hot when danger is approaching."

"Steaming hot? Like, it will burn me?" Remus looked at him quizzically. "Can't we think of something that doesn't involve pain?"

"Oh, shut up! I wanted something that would get your attention!"

A slight smile crossed Remus' lips, and Severus felt his stomach jump in response. "Well, it'll sure get my attention – as it burns a hole through my trousers."

Dropping his head, he tried to hide the smile that had crept into his features.

"Severus," Remus said seriously, his voice dropping, "I appreciate your help. I don't think I could do this without you."

"Don't thank me now – we haven't saved those Weasley brats yet."

Grinning, Remus sat up and moved closer to wrap his arms around Severus' waist. He looked up at Severus, his eyes darkened his arousal. "I need you right now, Severus," he said softly, and it was the first time he had used Severus' first name.

His breath hitching, Severus could only nod as he allowed Remus to pull him onto the bed. Remus craned his head forward and their lips met, soft and pliant, twin moans escaping their throats. Wrapping a leg around Severus' thigh, Remus flipped him over and straddled him, their erections rubbing together through harsh fabric. Stilling for a moment, Remus leaned down to kiss Severus' neck.

"Let me fuck you."

His words created a war of excitement and anxiety in the pit of Severus' stomach, and he felt his lungs constrict around the unbearably cold air. He couldn't catch his breath as he stared into Remus' eyes, watching as Remus' expression became guarded as he waited for Severus' answer.

Severus rolled his eyes in exaggeration. "I guess, if you must."

Laughing, Remus leaned forward once more and kissed the tip of Severus' nose. "I want you on your stomach," he said gruffly, and Severus could hear the desperation within his voice.

Severus didn't allow himself to think as he complied, kicking off his boots as he rolled over. "On your knees," Remus added. He leaned over Severus' back to unclasp his buckle and buttons, pulling down his pants and pushing up his shirt. He felt horribly exposed until he felt warm breath against his spine. Remus licked each vertebra, his tongue rolling over the hard jut of bone.

The cold air was stinging Severus' butt cheeks, and he was grateful when Remus finally turned his attention to his arse. His cock jumped when he felt Remus run his tongue down between the crease, and it was so much like their first time that Severus moaned loudly and collapsed against his chest, his trembling arms too weak to hold his weight.

"You like that?" Remus asked huskily. He spit into his palm and smeared it against Severus' hole, teasing it with his fingers until he added his tongue once more. Severus clawed at the duvet, all his worries from the night dissolving into the bed, unable to control his dry thrusting. Words and indistinct sounds fell from Severus' lips as he felt Remus penetrate him with his tongue, his bollocks swollen and a pressure swarming wonderfully in his stomach.

"Fuck me," Severus tried to say, but what sounded more like, "uck eeeee!"

"Tell me how you want it, Severus. Did you fuck me the way you like it?" Remus' voice was demented, evil – fucking gorgeous. "Do I need to go slow?"

Severus shook his head violently. "No! Do me – hurt me."

Remus grabbed for his wand, and then tapped it against Severus, his entrance suddenly wet and slippery. "Tell me you want me," Remus said, but didn't wait for his response before positioning himself and thrusting slowly into Severus.

Even with the lubrication and licking, pain shot through Severus and he groaned as Remus slid further and further into him. Air evaporated in his lungs, and he gasped, desperate for something to fill him other than this aching need. Strange, alien sensations surged inside him as Remus began to move, his cock thick and warm and raw. He felt his flesh tear, felt his heart thumping badly in his chest.

"Severus," Remus managed to say. "All right?"

Gritting his teeth, Severus nodded and said, "Just go fast."

Remus didn't need telling twice, and he began to thrust earnestly, his moans becoming louder and louder. Something like pleasure punched through Severus' stomach as Remus' pace quickened, his thrusts forcing Severus to gasp and cry for more.

"Tell me you want me," Remus repeated, his breathing harsh. When Severus didn't reply, he smacked his thigh. "Tell me!"

"I want you," Severus answered quietly, his voice muffled by a pillow.

"Good," Remus said, then came inside Severus. The feeling shocked and aroused him, and it didn't take long for Remus to jerk him to completion. "Promise to tell me once you know about the attack?" Remus asked after a long moment of silence.

Severus rolled his eyes and nodded. "Of course, you dunderhead."

.::.

It seemed things happen all at once. Remus had been waiting for days, nervous out of his mind, for the attack on the Weasleys to happen. The day Lily went into labour he finally got the signal from Severus. He had been soothing an erratic James with Sirius in a similar state. Peter was surprisingly there, quiet and mousy as always, though he smiled softly whenever Remus looked at him.

"She will be fine," Remus said, rubbing James' shoulder. He suddenly yelped as he felt his iron-hot wand against his leg.

"What's wrong?"James asked, his eyes widening.

"N-nothing," Remus said, stuttering. "I have to leave, though. Take care of some business!" He struggled to remain calm as he thought about his failure to save Caradoc. The same thing would not happen to the Weasley family!

Sirius stood and reached for him. "Are you not telling us something?"

Remus Apparated without answering. The Burrow was quiet as always as Remus approached, his steps quick and careless. He almost fell over himself as he climbed the steps. "Arthur – Molly! Hurry up!" he yelled as he knocked frantically on the door.

There was sound from behind the door and Molly answered. "Password?"

"Fuck the password! We have to go now!"

Molly stood her ground and narrowed her eyes. "Password first."

"I enjoy the jelly found in between Professor Albus Dumbledore's toes. Now let's go!" He pushed past Molly and rushed over to Arthur. "They are coming. Did you create that hiding place we talked about?"

Arthur looked furious, and determined. "Yes. Did you alert the Order?"

"No!" Remus said, slapping his forehead.

Arthur looked to Molly. "Darling, if you will." He turned his attention back to Remus as Molly rushed out of the room. "Help me get the children in hiding."

Nodding, Remus followed Arthur up the stairs. He ran into the twins' room. "Fred – George, up now! You have to wake up!"

It seemed that Arthur and Molly had told their children that something would happen, because the twins were up in seconds, following quickly behind. They all meet in the living room, screaming little Ron in Molly's arms.

Arthur tapped his wand against the red bricks of the fireplace. They began to move away into an arched walkway, not unlike the entrance to Diagon Alley.

"In, children!" Arthur said. "Hurry!" He looked to Molly and kissed her. "Don't worry about me." She began to sob. "I'll be fine. Both of us will be fine."

Remus nodded quickly. "We sure will."

"I hate when you lie to me," she cried, touching Arthur's face with trembling fingers before walking through the archway. Arthur waved his wand and muttered, the bricks glowing as they moved back into place. He then waved his wand around the room and looked at Remus, taking a deep breath.

"Let's do this," Remus said, hoping his voice sounded confident.

.::.

They Apparated to the trees surrounding the eastern side of the Burrow. Secluded, they waited for the Order to arrive and watched as Death Eaters grouped together outside the house. After a few minutes, with someone whom Remus concluded was Gibbon, barking orders, they broke into the Burrow. Kicking open the front and back doors, breaking windows and crawling through. Remus felt Arthur tremble beside him as they watched helplessly.

"Where the hell are they?" Remus asked quietly.

"We didn't give them enough time," Arthur answered, his voice dead. Remus could tell he felt helpless in protecting his family.

"It's going to be all right," Remus said, but more for his own comfort.

"Yes, at least my family is safe."

Remus nodded.

.::.

A few minutes after the Death Eaters entered, a quiet fell over the house. Remus could see the shadows of the unmoving people. An angry voice erupted around them and someone kicked open the first door, cursing.

"THEY KNEW WE WERE COMING!" The man Remus assumed was Gibbon screamed. "HOW THE FUCK DID THEY KNOW WE WERE COMING?"

A figure ran after him. "What do you want us to do, Gibbon?"

"I AM COMPLETELY FUCKED!" Gibbon tore at his hair. "OUR LORD WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS!"

At that moment the Order began to appear. Moody. McGonagall. Sirius and Peter. Dumbledore.

"RETREAT!" someone screamed and the sound of Apparitions came from inside the Burrow. Arthur and Remus came out of hiding. When Sirius saw Remus, his eyes widened and he rushed over to him.

"I knew you weren't telling us something, you bastard!" Sirius said, punching him in the shoulder. His voice was happy. "Lily gave birth! You need to come back and meet Harry!"

Remus began to agree, but something within the trees caught his eye. It was Severus, staring at him. He beckoned Remus over with a hand.

"I'll be just a moment. Tell everyone to make sure everything is safe!" Remus walked quickly over to the trees, curious and scared. Severus moved further into hiding once Remus reached him. "Lily gave birth tonight!" Remus said excitedly.

Something angry and devastated flashed within Severus' eyes. After a moment he said, "That's all you are going to say to me? I fucking saved all those brats!"

Remus smiled shyly. "Of course, thank you, Severus." He leaned forward to place his hand on Severus' chest, but Severus pushed him away.

"Get away from me!" he said, his voice deadly quiet. "Don't touch me, you filthy werewolf!"

Stunned, Remus couldn't ignore the anger that rushed through him. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Get away! I hate you!" Severus fell back against the tree, his wand pointed at Remus.

"How are we ever going to be able to work together if you act like this?" Remus asked, placing his hand on his hips.

"We don't have to anymore! I'm taking a job at Hogwarts next month and Dumbledore is reassigning you!"

Remus gaped at him. "What – where? Why?"

Severus snarled "Cornwall. It shouldn't come as a shock to you."

"Fuck you!" Remus said, taking a step back. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but just – fuck you!" He turned to walk away and added, "You won't have to ask me again to leave you alone! Have a good life, you bastard!"


	5. Chapter 5

The sky was a storming grey when Remus arrived. Despite the summer season, a chilly breeze blew through the trees, forcing Remus to wrap his cloak around himself tightly. It was a quiet night as he walked deeper into the woods, following the directions Dumbledore had given him.

After an hour of walking he came across what appeared to be a campsite. There were haphazard tents surrounding a blackened fire pit, and bits of clothing scattered around in the dirt. A horrifying sense of danger drummed within Remus as he crept forward, his fingers brushing over the wand in his pocket. Dumbledore had told him that the werewolf pack did not like magic, and Remus could agree from his limited experience. A year before, right when the war was beginning, Remus had been sent to discuss the Order's acceptance of lycanthropes but had failed miserably. The werewolves had deemed Remus too connected with humans, and had refused to listen to any of his pleas.

This time, however, Remus was determined to succeed. The war between Lord – _Voldemort_ and the Order was intensifying by the day, and it was time to draw the lines of who was on their side and who was the enemy. Also, he needed a way to take his mind off Severus, and Lily, James, and little Harry in hiding. He had to make a difference this time – he just had to. He had to make himself believe that he wasn't just some kid, fucking around with adult business. Before, he had expected that saving the Weasley clan would convince him and everyone in the Order that he was ready to fight, though somewhere along the way it became more of a lucky escape than controlled defiance.

In many ways he was glad to be away. With Severus now at Hogwarts, Remus felt that he wouldn't be able to accept that Severus didn't need him anymore, as though everything that had happened between them was from necessity, not from desire. He was glad that he could convince himself that he was absent from Severus' life because he was on a mission, not because Severus hated him.

Movement from within a tent caught Remus' attention, the fabric door shaking as someone pulled it back with a hand. Remus stopped and watched as a woman emerged, her wild black hair standing up on end. The dress she wore was torn in numerous spots, and Remus could see the pale skin of her stomach from the moonlight.

It was evident that she caught his scent before actually seeing him, because she froze with her back arched and her head tilted downward. Remus tried desperately to quell his nerves as he waited for her next move.

"You're Dumbledore's man, right?" she asked, her voice hoarser than what Remus had expected.

"Yes, I am." Remus forced his voice to remain strong.

The woman finally lifted her head, and Remus was struck by the intensity in her eyes. The orbs were a strange stormy brown, shinning in the dim light of the moon. He shifted awkwardly as she moved closer, her strides long and quick. He stared back openly as she inspected his face, the foulness of her breath hitting Remus' nostrils. She looked at his clean-shaved face and his clothes free of holes and stains. Lifting up his hand, she sniffed at his fingers and smirked.

"You like men, I see."

He felt his cheeks reddened. "Yes, I do." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that others were emerging from their tents as well. They were creating a circle around them, watching silently.

"I'm Elena," the woman said. "You are Remus Lupin." She looked at his trouser pocket. "Give me your wand." He complied, but was shock when she chucked it into the trees.

"Excuse me!" he yelled, taking a step forward.

She stopped him with a hand on his chest, curling her fingernails into his flesh. "We don't allow magic here, Lupin. I thought Dumbledore would have told you that."

He was silent as he bent his head, accepting her dominance. "Yes, Elena."

"He smells like a human," said a gruff voice. "Are you sure he's one of us?"

Elena turned to a tall man in the crowd. He was bare-chested, and had his thick arms crossed in front of him. Smiling at his disgruntled expression, she answered, "We will know soon enough. The full moon is approaching, is it not?" She looked to Remus and he nodded. "I also trust what Dumbledore says, or at least I think I do, but that's why you're here, right?"

"Who is this Dumbledore you speak of?" another one asked, and the crowd made a sound of agreement.

Elena looked to Remus to answer, and after a pause he said, "Professor Albus Dumbledore is the Headmaster at Hogwarts."

"A wizard school? How can we trust wizards?" a voice demanded.

"I'm here to explain that you cannot trust what this Dark Lord is promising. He is a killer!"

"And the English Ministry is not?" Elena cocked her head to the side. "Do you know how many of our kind is murdered by your government each year? If I were you I'd write a complaint to your Minister."

The crowd chuckled, and Remus felt a bit sick. "I understand – I have to hide what I truly am every day, but it's Dumbledore who accepts me! He can help everyone here!"

Elena waved her hand in the air. "We can discuss this later. I am tired and I want more sleep. You can sleep on the ground for now."

Remus nodded, too preoccupied with making a good impression to realise how uncomfortable he would be sleeping on the ground.

.::.

Days, weeks, months past before Remus heard anything from Dumbledore. His mind had stopped wandering to Severus, and he had stopped waking up in stained trousers from his dreams about the man. It was a strange, simple way of life, and Remus kept to himself just as the pack ignored his presence. It was only during the full moon that he was accepted into their group. They ran through the forest, searching for animals to eat. Remus mostly played with the other wolves instead of hunting. It was a strange feeling as he began to long for his transformation. Lonely, he yearned for friendly interaction. However, he worked past his loneliness, and never ceased at bringing up his argument against the Dark Lord whenever he had a chance. He was a nuisance, he knew that much, but he wasn't there to make friends – he was there to help win the war.

Finally, after six months with the pack, it seemed he had convinced Elena that Dumbledore could truly help her. He was sitting in front of the fire, their day's kill hanging from a stick as it cooked. As always, Remus sat by himself with his arms wrapped himself, the winter's cold seeping into his bones.

Elena initiated the discussion that night. "I like to think of myself as open-minded. I disagree with Greyback's system of complete removal of human ways. I keep my pack in tents because it's logical – I allow clothes for the same reason. I don't approve of senseless killing because I think it's wrong."

"Dumbledore has many ties with the Ministry. I'm sure if you pledge your help to the Order he will do as much as he can to change the way the Ministry perceives werewolves."

"Yes, but why hasn't he done it already?" asked Tom, the same man who had question Remus being a werewolf that first day. "If he supports werewolves so much, why has he just sat back and done nothing as our kind is slaughtered?"

Elena rested a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it. "I have wondered this as well. Personally, I know I can trust Dumbledore because he saved me when I was a little girl. I wasn't able to attend Hogwarts like you did, but I was able to at least have a comfortable life."

Tom shook his head. "I don't think any of them should be trusted." He looked at Remus and snarled. "Like this one."

"You can trust me," Remus responded without missing a beat. "I don't know what else I can do to make you believe me."

"I want you gone," Tom said, his voice dangerous.

Remus blinked in surprise. He had experienced Tom's aggression before, but nothing like this. "Why? I'm helping out, aren't I?"

"You are human filth!" Tom jumped to his feet. Remus waited for Elena to tell him to sit down, but she never did, instead staring with something like excitement in her eyes. "Prove to me that you are a true wolf! Fight me!"

"I don't want to do that," Remus responded calmly.

"It's because you _are_ a filthy human! You are afraid!"

Elena spoke suddenly. "Fight him, Remus."

Remus was astonished. "N-no! I came here in peace!"

Snarling, Tom flung himself on top of Remus, grabbing his arms and pinning them to the ground above his head. He stared into Remus' eyes for a moment, a growl thundering from his chest, before biting Remus hard in the neck.

Remus yelled and tried to buck Tom off, kicking his legs fruitlessly. The man was just too heavy for him, and he struggled under the weight. "Get – off – me!"

"Meet the wolf tonight, Remus," Elena said. "Win this fight and I'll promise to fight for the Order." She laughed.

Remus didn't have time to ask if she meant it, because Tom was bending down to bite the other side of Remus' neck. He felt the sting and blood from the first wound, and he aimed a knee into Tom's groin. For a brief moment Tom was caught off guard, and Remus ripped an arm from his gasp and plunged two fingers into Tom's eye sockets.

Howling in pain, Tom toppled to his side and Remus kicked the other werewolf in the back. He didn't hesitate before throwing himself on top of Tom, punching and clawing at him. Tom began to laugh.

"That's not how wolves fight, Lupin!" Tom roared with laughter.

"How do they fight, then?" Remus yelled.

"Bite him, Remus," Elena said quietly. "Bite him now!"

Vomit coated his throat at the request, but he didn't allow himself to think about. This was something he needed to do for the Order. God, why had Severus thrown him out the last time they spoke? Why didn't Severus like him just as much as Remus liked him? Why couldn't he gain the respect of these werewolves? Why wasn't he picked as Secret Keeper for Lily and James? Everyone thought he couldn't be trusted! Everyone thought he was a failure!

Blinding rage suddenly surged within him, his vision blurring and his heart pumping painfully in his chest. He hated everyone – everyone, especially the stinking werewolf under him! He wasn't like these animals! He would never be like these animals!

Snarling, he ripped through Tom's neck with his teeth, ignoring the hot, tangy taste of blood filling his mouth. Tom arched under him and cried out, his beefy fingers pushing at Remus' shoulders. Well Remus wasn't going to lose this time, so he smacked a hand against Tom's forehead and smashed his head back into the dirt. He raised his own head and bit the other side, growling in satisfaction.

Elena was laughing. "All right – all right. You can let him be now, Remus."

Remus stood up and kicked Tom in the stomach for good measure, his hand rubbing at the bit mark on his neck. "Bastard!"

"I'm impressed," Elena said slowly, "though I'm sure Tom here only allowed you to win because he fancies you."

Remus glared.

.::.

As it happens, his time with the pack ended abruptly on a cold, November morning. Remus was satisfied that members from the pack had been helping stop Muggle attacks all along the Northern shore of England. He was disappointed when Dumbledore had ordered him to stay longer, even after he had won Elena's trust.

If he had known that his time with the pack would have ended this way, though, he surely would have suggested staying a lifetime. He felt numb as he sat in Dumbledore's office, waiting for the man's meeting with Fudge to conclude. All around, wizards and witches were celebrating the demise of Lord Voldemort. He slumped in his chair and cradled his hand within his hands. Lily and James dead? Harry, the sole survivor and defeater of the most powerful dark wizard in the world? It was unbelievable – it was sickening.

What had gone on when Remus was away? Now he was hearing rumours about Sirius on the run for the deaths of Peter and a dozen more. _Oh, god_. All of his friends – dead. How could've Sirius done such a thing? Sirius loved James like a brother – had the war been that harsh that it made Sirius switch sides? Remus couldn't think about it. He couldn't comprehend any of it.

What he could comprehend, however, was his desire to see Severus for the first time in over a year. How was he taking the news of Voldemort vanquished? Would he even be in his chambers, or out celebrating with the rest of the wizarding world? He must be relieved that now his role of spy was over. He was safe finally.

"What have you heard?"

Dumbledore's sudden voice made Remus jump in his seat. He had no idea he was crying until he tried to look at the elder wizard and realised his vision was swimming. Wiping hastily at his eyes, he said, "Harry defeated Voldemort. Lily and James and Peter dead, Sirius is to blame."

Nodding, Dumbledore stared down at him sadly. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I am so sorry, Remus."

"I don't know what to feel."

"Here, have some tea." Dumbledore handed him a cup, and he drank deeply. "What we must remember is that this war is over, Remus. No one will ever die again because of Riddle."

"But Lily and James – how can Harry ever be normal after this?" He moaned into his teacup.

"Harry will be fine."

Remus raised his head suddenly. "Can I see him? Oh, please, Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm sorry, Remus, but he is already safely with Lily's sister and her husband."

"But – maybe – I can contact her?"

"No, you cannot. They are Muggles."

Gasping, Remus said, "Dumbledore, you can't!"

Raising a long-fingered hand in the air, Dumbledore responded calmly, "He will be safer with them, Remus. Please understand."

Remus stood. "I want to see Severus."

Dumbledore peered at him over his half-moon glasses. "If that's what you want. He's in the chambers the near the Slytherin common room. Do you remember where Professor Slughorn used to stay?"

Nodding, Remus handed Dumbledore his empty cup. "Thank you, Professor."

.::.

His knuckles ached from his pounding on the door. He waited for a moment, then knocked quickly again.

There was slight movement from within the room, then an angry voice screaming, "PISS OFF!"

Taking a deep breath, his stomach twisted when he heard Severus' voice. It was dark and painful, and Remus hesitated before responding. Suddenly words were beyond him. "I – Severus, it's me – Remus – Lupin."

"Go away." The words trembled through the door, but closer – as if Severus was leaning against it. Remus heard the devastation in the voice, and he felt his own eyes tear up. His bottom lip quivered.

"Severus, please, open up." _I need you right now_, he added silently.

After a brief pause the door slowly opened and Severus stood there, his black eyes glimmering with moisture. His cheeks were stained with tear-tracks and flushed red from the irritation. Remus took one look at Severus and flung himself into Severus' arms.

"Be with me," he said quietly.

Severus wrapped an arm around Remus slowly and closed the door with the other.

The End


End file.
